Gentleman Jack

Gentleman Jack takes everything that's great about everyone's old friend, Jack Daniels, and puts it in a more smooth form. Through some magical process of pouring the liquor through dead and slightly burned tree corpses, the liquor becomes less harsh and more palatable. Plus it implies that the drinker is a gentleman, which might explain why the other lesser-known version, Dirty Homeless Vagrant Jack, didn't sell so well.

Knob Creek

From the makers of Jim Beam (though you wouldn't know it, as they do a plenty good job of hiding the fact that most alcohol is controlled by five or six uber-alcohol giants), this is a fine Kentucky Bourbon that will bring you right back to the days of moonshine. But it won't taste like it, for this bourbon has a strong and hearty flavor, yet is strangely mellow going down. This is very good considering it is a 100 proof (50% alcohol) drink, and I don't want to know that I am getting so shit-faced so fast. Have a glass, and you'll find yourself right in the backwoods of Kentucky a'runnin from the law! Yee-haw!

The Glenlivet

The Glenlivet has got to be the worst scotch whisky I've ever had. Nah, I'm just shitting, it's pretty good. Scotch whisky differs from regular American whiskey in two important areas: First, American whiskey generally uses more corn (51% or more for bourbon, Tennessee whiskey usually uses 70%-80%) and Scotch whisky is spelled W-H-I-S-K-Y without the 'E.' The absence of this 'E' is very important when it comes to rich and hearty flavor. Nah, I'm just kidding about that, too..it's all semantics. But The Glenlivet does have a rich and hearty flavor, almost reminiscent of an overly distilled beer. Try it, and you won't be let down. Unless, of course, you already had too much Knob Creek, and then you might be throwing up.